Better in Time
by silenceeverything
Summary: 246 days after Caleb Rivers left New York without looking back, Hanna Marin has found the courage to put on some lipstick and leave her apartment. She's ready to live again - that is until she's rifling through her bag for her keys, only to be interrupted by the one voice she never thought she'd hear again. Alternate post break-up scene, set between 6x10 and 6x11. Haleb.


**Just another little oneshot I've had on my laptop for a while. Trying to finish everything that's half written and well, this is a Haleb song through and through.**

 **PS - I posted another oneshot yesterday. Go check if out if you haven't already.**

 **Enjoy below...**

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 **Better in Time**

 _"It's been the longest winter without you_

 _I didn't know where to turn to_

 _See, somehow I can't forget you_

 _After all that we've been through"_

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It had been the longest winter.

New York City was cold at the worst of times, but the past few months of chill had seemed never ending to Hanna Marin. Who knew the city that never slept could seem so empty, so bleak. She'd wondered at one point if it would ever stop feeling like she was so alone, living in a comatose state where all she could do was cry from red swollen eyes that refused to stop shedding tears. Caleb Rivers had left her on life support the day he left without so much as a goodbye and the pain had yet to stop. Having her heart ripped out against her will did that, she eventually figured.

She'd thought being tortured by A had been bad, but coming back to nothing but his mobile phone had been worse. By far. It had stopped her world again, her brain going back to the dark place she'd fought so hard to get it out of in high school. Her PTSD was a bitch at the best of times, but no amount of trauma counselling had been able to heal her heart fully over this. Over him.

She sometimes wondered if he was feeling as broken and lost as she was, if he had any idea what he'd done to her. She hoped he did, because then it meant it had been real, meaningful, true to him too. He'd been her entire world, for so long revolving around him that sometimes she wondered if they were indistinguishable. She prayed that at some point she was the same to him.

She knew that they'd messed up towards the end. She'd been selfish for a little too long, when all he'd gone was give. Maybe she'd taken too much, but maybe he hadn't been understanding enough. She'd just wanted to be normal for so long; going after her career, having a job that she loved, enjoying her life. Clearly it had been too much to ask for her to have complete happiness and someone, somewhere never wanted her to catch a break.

But Hanna Marin was strong - stronger than she looked. She'd told herself she'd get through it like she always did. There was always light at the end of the tunnel, not matter how long and dark it seemed to be. And after 246 days of telling herself that she'd be okay, that she could live without him, that light seemed a little closer than it had done before. After all, everything got better in time - at least, that's what her Caleb playlist told her.

She deserved to be happy, she knew that. She wasn't a bad person. She might have made some mistakes during her teenage years, but she sure as hell had paid the price. She'd thought giving herself to Caleb fully - every deep and dark crevice that she'd hidden from even herself at times - and having him love her straight back had been her repentance. She'd been wrong clearly, but hopefully this would be her final punishment; she knew she couldn't go through anything like it again.

But 8 months later, on a spring New York night, she'd decided it was time to move on, time to let Caleb Rivers go so that she could be free of the shackles that came with mourning their relationship. So she'd put on a dress and lipstick and forced herself out of the apartment to work on the things Claudia had asked her to. She wasn't going to mooch in the half boxed-up flat anymore. It was time for her to start all over again. Moving apartment was one part of that, but so was going out and just living again.

She didn't need to hold onto his pillow again that night, trying not to let herself slip into a nightmare. Her time in purgatory was over. She'd be fine without him.

And tonight, letting herself breathe again had worked. That Australian idiot at the bar with his sweaty glass had made her smile, made her laugh - properly laugh - for the first time since Caleb had gone. And that had to mean something. It had still felt like she was betraying him, betraying herself when she gave Jordan her number when he'd asked, but this was healing. And even though it hurt like a bitch, she at least deserved to stop treading water and dive into life again.

She glanced out the window of the cab she was in, her eyes staring out at the lights of the streets as the restaurants and shops became more and more familiar. Not long until she'd be home, she thought to herself, reaching for her bag to find some money. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe it wasn't, but her anxiety felt just that little bit less about climbing the stairs and walking into a half-empty apartment that night.

"Just here on the left," She told the driver, checking the metre before reaching for a 20 dollar bill as he pulled up. "Thanks," She leant forward and paid him, "Keep the change."

"Have a nice night miss," She vaguely heard the driver mumble back as she climbed out of the cab, rifling through her bag again to find her keys. God, she'd been meaning to get a key purse after she'd lost her last one on the subway rushing to an appointment for Claudia.

She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, telling herself not to think about her and Caleb riding the B line back and forth to try and find it after she'd cried for an hour, thinking it just proved they couldn't do this whole adult thing. "You are in control," She mumbled to herself determinedly.

"Still haven't got a new one?"

She jerked her head up, her body freezing as the air around her thickened and her brain confirmed that her ears hadn't been lying. After 8 months, Caleb Rivers was sat on their - no, her - doorstep.

Her breath trembled, her fingers shook. He was just as handsome as he'd been the day he left; his hair a little longer, his stubble a little thicker, his eyes just as pure. There went her control.

Silence settled around them as they simply stared at each other, both of them subconsciously reminding themselves to take a breath. "Hi," He finally spoke, unable to take it any longer. "I, uh, rung," He nodded up at the buzzer, before his eyes settled on her again, "But you clearly weren't in." His mouth went dry again, his eyes reminding him just how stunning she was. He wanted to know where she'd been, who she'd been with, but for now, having her in his line of sight would be enough.

She could feel his eyes probing into her and she opened her mouth to speak as her heart pounded but nothing would come out. Nothing made sense and yet everything seemed right at the same time just having him near her; her body would always betray her brain. "Why are you here?" She finally spoke quietly as she wrapped her arms protectively around herself, glancing down at the red dress and black heels she'd put on. She didn't know if she wanted to know the answer.

"Because I fucked up," He muttered, running a hand through his hair as he looked down at the pavement. He'd been thinking about what to say the entire train ride to the city and yet in the moment! he couldn't get anything out. "You fucked up too," He added, "But I fucked up more and I wanna make it right."

Her head jerked up again at his words as she felt liquid well in her eyes. She told herself she wasn't going to cry about him today, god dammit. "Don't." She said quietly, trying so hard to not let any tears leave her eyes. "You have no right to be here."

"I know," He stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets. "But I needed to see you," He swallowed, taking a deep breath, "I thought it hurt more only being in half your life," He murmured, his breath stolen from his lungs. "But I was wrong. I had to remind myself to breathe without you there at all."

"Caleb," She began to cry into her hands, her surroundings fading away as she focused on just surviving in that moment.

He took a step forward towards her, but she shook her head and stepped back.

"No," She yelled, "You're not allowed to do this," She cried. "I have just told myself that it's okay to live without you. I had a life tonight for the first time since you left. You're not allowed to come back and do this."

"I know," His face was etched with pain.

"You left," She told him, wiping at her eye.

"I know," He reached for her anyway.

"No," She shook her head, stepping back again as she began to cry harder, "You left."

"I know I fucked up. I know you probably hate me. But I'm here."

"Caleb," Her voice wavered, shaking her head slightly. It was all too much.

"I've missed you so much," He said, the rehearsed words coming back to him momentarily, "I want to make it right."

"I can't do this right now," She whimpered, making a move to step round him and head into her apartment.

"Let me explain." He reached his hand out to touch her arm.

She spun round, gasping at the body contact as he jerked his hand back. "Explain what?" She yelled, the anger bubbling to the fore, "You left me," She cried, "I wanted to work it out and you left."

"I didn't know what to do," He replied, breathing heavily, "I'm fucked up, okay?" He screwed his face up, knowing he'd have to go there, go to the painful dark places he'd blocked out if he wanted to make her understand. "My whole life no ones chosen me." He muttered, covering his face for a moment, "I've been the bottom of the pile. My Mom didn't chose me, my Dad didn't chose me and no foster family certainly ever chose me." He rubbed his eyes, forcing himself not to cry. "No one chooses me and it felt like it was happening all over again - you were choosing them over me," He ran a tense hand through his hair, "I run, Hanna. I run because it's less painful for me to cut the chord than to have myself tossed out all over again when something better comes along," He breathed, "I ran when we were 17, I ran when we were 18. I ran my entire life before I met you."

"I've always chosen you," She cried, unable to stop the tears that were leaking down her cheeks. "I chose you when we were 17, when we were 18. I've always chosen you," She repeated adamantly.

"Then why did you go?" He yelled, "That night all I wanted was for you to stay and choose me and you didn't."

"I did," She wiped furiously at her eyes, "I got out of my taxi and I ran in the rain because I did choose you and you were already gone."

He stared at her as he processed what she'd said before he ran his hands through his hair and down his face. She'd come back for him and suddenly the burden of what he'd done almost became too much to bear.

"I know I was working a lot," She started, "And I know it felt like we took a backseat for a bit, but I just wanted to be normal." She explained, taking a breath as she tried to pull herself together, "I wanted a career like any other normal person and I was finally starting to get one."

"You are normal."

"I'm not normal," She spat, "I can't breathe every time I see someone wearing a black hoodie. I can't eat a friggin cookie without expecting a text reminding me I used to be Hefty Hanna. I can't sleep at night because I'm scared some psycho bitch is going to come and microchip me again. So I'm not normal," She started to cry again, "I'll never be normal."

"You're the only normal I know," Caleb said tenderly, taking a step towards her. For the first time, she didn't move back. "And that's why I came here," He whispered, reaching out to cup her cheek. "For the first time in my life, I decided I was going to make someone choose me. Whatever it takes," He held her face in his hands, staring down into her eyes, "I can't live without you Han."

She closed her eyes and took a moment to breathe, to regain her composure but it was all too much and there was nothing she could do to stop her eyes leaking all over again. "Caleb," She whimpered, burying her face in his neck. He let out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding, pulling her tight against him as she cried against him.

"I'm sorry," He whispered over and over again in her ear, stroking the back of her hair as he held her. "I'm so sorry."

"You can't just make this right by saying you're sorry," She pulled back and said, the pain she'd experienced since he'd left suddenly reappearing and reminding her of everything she'd been through. "I... I...," She took another breath, reminding herself to breathe, "I have been paralysed for the past 246 days," She cried, "And you did that."

"I'm sorry," He whispered; regret, remorse seeping through his body.

"How do I know you won't do it again?" She whimpered, shaking her head as she cried again, "I can't do it again."

"Because I'm here," He choked out, "I had to decide to be without you to realise I can't do it," He scrunched his hand through her hair, dropping his forehead down onto hers.

"It's been 8 months," She sniffled, glancing down at his jacket, "I knew I couldn't live without you after one day."

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done," He promised quietly, "But my brain is so messed up," He blinked his eyes shut, "I got screwed up the day my Mom dumped me with someone else and never came back. You are the only person who's ever loved me," He whispered, feeling his eyes water, "And I was so scared to come back, scared that you wouldn't love me anymore. That you'd found someone else. That I'd ruined everything."

Her heart broke again - this time for him.

"Please say you love me."

"Of course I love you," She whimpered, wrapping her arms around his neck, "I love you so much."

He cried with her this time, both of them clinging onto the other and never wanting to let go. "I love you," He murmured tearily, his voice catching in his throat as they buried their heads against each other's necks.

She nodded against him, running her fingers across the back of his neck as she breathed in everything he was, "You can't run again," She squeezed her eyes shut as she pulled back, the pain of the past few months still stuck in her mind. "You have to talk to me," She told him, begging him with her eyes to let her in.

"I know that," He agreed, his eyes probing hers. "I don't want to run again. I'm done being away from you. Forever," He murmured, cupping her face in his hands again. She sniffled and nodded again, for the first time feeling the true comfort of having his arms around her, "Can I kiss you?"

She looked up at him, sending him a small smile as she nodded through her tears. He didn't waste a moment, dropping his mouth down onto hers as their trembling lips met for the first time in 8 months on a cold New York sidewalk. He pulled back and took a shaky breath before the pull of her was too much and he let himself be dragged back under again. This was what it felt like to live.

They were broken apart by the honking of a car horn and the hollering of a drunk guy inside. He laughed a little, holding her tight as she wiped her dewy cheeks. He felt happy, content again. He felt like he was home.

"I think you should talk to someone," Hanna broke his thoughts quietly, looking him in the eye as he held her close.

"I don't need to do that," He shrugged off her suggestion, "I know what I want," He said determinedly, "And that's you."

"I know you want me," She agreed, water still lining her eyes, "And I know I'm the last person to recommend a shrink, but Caleb, you need to trust me. You need to trust that despite everything that's happened to you, I love you. I can't," She choked, "I don't know what I'll do if you go again."

"I trust you."

"We can go together," She suggested gently, not willing to give up, "I've been seeing someone," She whispered, nervous about baring her soul to him again, "She's helped me."

"What's happened?" Caleb cupped her face, worry surging through his blood stream and momentarily stopping his heart as his mind ran to dark places. Surely A hadn't come back?

"You left," She reminded him angrily, "And I... I fell apart," She stepped out of his embrace, "I didn't eat properly for weeks," She told him quietly, ashamedly, "And my Mom saw me," She started to cry again, "And she made me get help," She whispered, "I know they never get it, and you sit there talking to them knowing they'll never get it, but it helped me," She told him gently, "And I think it'll help you."

"Hanna."

"Please."

"Okay," He gave in as she pleaded with her eyes, "Will you come with me?"

"Of course," She breathed, tilting her chin to kiss his trembling lips again. "Will you come inside?" She whispered back, wrapping her arms around his neck, wanting, needing to be close to him.

"Of course," He repeated her words, resting his forehead on hers until she pulled back to search for her keys again.

"Here," She sniffled, handing them to him to let them in. She reached for her phone in her bag, noticing the screen light up with an incoming message. She didn't recognise the number and quickly swiped it open

 _Hey, it's Jordan. I had a great time tonight, will you let me take you out for a drink to repay you for my sweaty glass getting all over your napkin?_

God, she'd been an idiot flirting with him. He was a nice enough guy, but her heart was well and truly taken by another.

 _I'm sorry, I can't. Good luck with everything._

It was all she needed to say, before blocking and deleting his number.

"Han?" Caleb called for her, holding his hand out as he held the door open with his body.

"I'm coming," She threw her phone back into her bag, linking their fingers as she reached him and he led her back up the familiar stairs to their apartment. Without her even realising it, her anxiety had disappeared. She had her control back. Caleb had come back for her.

They were home. They could work through it. They had each other and that was all that mattered. Everything would get better in time.

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 **Review?**


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